It has been a while since I have written an article, so I wanted to take this moment to answer the question I get about love.
What is love?
Honestly, I get this question so much that it starts to make me think,
“Do people really not know what love is?” The answer is really a resounding no.
There is a difference between love and what it takes to create an amazing relationship. If we look at the elements of a really longer lasting relationship, often we look at things like values and similar conflict resolution styles (where you’re going and how to deal with problems along the way). These two things are what I often refer to as the “logic” part of a relationship… it isn’t personal when two people don’t match in that way.
The logic part is always rather exciting because when we look at it, you realise what it takes to make your relationship last for a very long time. Think of it like a boat. You need to know where you’re going (and this is reflected in your values) and if a giant sea monster comes up (problems) you need to know how to solve it. I simplify it to this level because a lot of people overcomplicate it. Women start to say things about men like…
“HER!!!… oh… don’t you let me start about HER! There are so many problems with her, why can’t she just give me what I want!”
The truth is, when we boil it down to the core of the situation of a relationship, it is either a miss match of values and or a miss match of the conflict resolution style. We can talk about this another time.
So why do I explain this? Because people often mistake a relationship for love. They use the words “I am in love!” to describe the fact that they are in a relationship. Love, however, at its very core is giving.
GIVING to give to somebody.
GIVING to make sure they are happy.
GIVING to see them happy.
If this was the boat, you’d be the person on the boat who’s making everybody happy along the journey. THIS IS LOVE… and you can love outside of a relationship.
Another big truth comes here though, because LOVE… real genuine actual love, can exist anywhere. You can love somebody for being in the same room as you, and you can love them when they walk out. You can love the sun for coming up and you can love front door as you come home. Love, REAL… genuine… actual love… is NOT a transaction.
This is what I refer to as FLOWING LOVE.
The problem occurs when we mistake flowing love, a form of love that is just gratitude for all things, with NEED LOVE. Need love is the transactional love and this is the reason why I mentioned everything about relationships earlier. It is because PEOPLE OFTEN FALL IN LOVE WITH HOW THE OTHER PERSON MAKES THEM FEEL…and NOT the other person for who they are as an individual entity.
I see this all the time. This is when love quickly turns to hate. We almost expected the other person to look after us, to do something for us, to take care of us… to help us… to, dare I say, make us happy.
AND THEN… and then they don’t. They DON’T make us happy. So we get upset. That love quickly turns to hate. Then back to love, then back to hate.
I myself, I’ve even had women in the past, and even fans of my work go from intense love for me to intense hatred because I no longer fit into their expectations. This was never true flowing love if this was the case. It was a transactional need love.
So…. what kind of love do you find yourself falling into from time to time? If you really want to experience love for love’s sake, it starts with awareness. Simply allowing yourself to become aware and catch yourself out when you find yourself expecting somebody to do something for you.
Some people who read this might be in a situation where they have loved the other person so much that they feel like they get taken advantage of. When we look at these situations properly, the people always feel like the way to actual love is by being selfless. THIS IS STILL TRANSACTIONAL NEED LOVE. I know this because I used to be like this myself. We expect the other person to love us if we put our head down and do what they say. I do not condone this kind of relationship because it does not teach the other person in the relationship good ways of interacting with us. They learn that they can get their way whenever they want, and so… this is not proper love. If you loved that person, you’d teach them how to love you back in the best possible way.