Oh my! Time to get some real practical dating advice for smart women! 2018, more than ever, has made dating and relationships confusing. Not only is there online dating, but in some senses, political ideologies and values have made dating a bit more confusing and intense. From fast-food-love (tinder, hookups etc) to people just being down-right needy and not being able to express themselves. The terrain, in some sense, has changed, and in a lot of other senses has stayed the same. Without further ado, I present to you, dear reader, 10 practical dating tips/advice for smart women in 2018!
1. It’s ok to slow down the process.
What I’ve noticed, especially with smart successful women (and men also), is that there tends to be a certain kind of rushing process that goes along. We are used to getting everything now, and for those people who are extremely smart and successful, you’ve potentially become used to getting your way. While dating is quite similar to a number of other things in your life, it is also quite different as it is a collaboration. This is why, slowing down the process, not rushing to get to a deadline can be so important.
If you are hell-bent on getting a relationship, slow down to connect with the person more. Take your time. You are learning about each other and learning to see if you two are a good fit! This is perfect because it really brings us to the next advice!
2. Establish Habits Together.
Worried about being ghosted or having your potential date not value you very much? Well, one great solution to that is to establish habits together. This might even be a sharing a t.v. show together that you watch every week. This can also be an emotional habit (for example, if the guy talks to you about his emotions and you accept them, it can set up a habit of him confiding in you).
Habits are powerful because through habits do we unconsciously invest in a relationship. If you or your partner have a habit of sharing nice things with each other, pretty soon you two will talk to each other to create nice things!
3. Don’t look for cheaters.
Don’t think of the pink elephant! Now that’s all you can think about. One thing I notice, especially with working people globally, is that if you’re afraid of being cheated on (if you’ve been cheated on in the past) then you’ll get very good at finding them. I’ve also seen examples where somebody has been so hell-bent that their partner was a cheater, that she turned him into one because of how upsetting the relationship was.
There was another example where I asked somebody how she can tell if a guy is a cheater, and she said everything that makes a guy charming and lovely. Oh boy, was she in for a surprise when she finds out that charming sometimes just means charming. This leads perfectly into the next topic, because instead of looking for cheaters, what you should do is…
4. Become the source of happiness.
Not just in your partner’s (or potential partner’s) life, but for every person you meet. The thing about becoming a source of happiness is that when people feel that they can be happier just by being around you, they will naturally be drawn towards you. They’ll also want to make you happy in return! Not as a trade but because of human instinct! How cool is that?
Relationships are meant to be happy, they are meant to be simple and they are meant to be joyous. If you are a huge source of happiness, people will naturally tear down their own walls to be with you, rather than you potentially having to tear down somebody else’s walls.
5. It is not your job to “fix” somebody.
We all know this one, but it is worth saying. When we try to fix people, we end up not really dating that person, but the idea of them. This can be super painful because, in the end, we will really create deep frustration. Unless that person wants to become the person you have in your mind, all you ever will do is push them away. Instead, I want to invite you to say the following sentence.
“Maybe they like it that way.”
“He’s not emotionally available, maybe he likes it that way!”
“She’s not opening up to me, maybe she likes it that way!”
When you accept things the way they are, only then can you improve them. Trying to fix somebody before you’ve truly embraced them at this point is one of the fastest ways to blowing it up.
6. If you can’t be yourself, then that is your first step.
Sick of playing games? I hope you are! Games themselves are a replacement for confidence. We play games when we don’t know what to do, or we think we have to convince somebody to like us. If you’re not expressing what you’re ultimately creating a relationship with a fake version of you rather than the real you.
This is why, time and time again, people break up when they try and express themselves. They broke up because the original foundations were founded on mind games and tricks. Not raw passion and connection with each other.
7. Does your partner follow through?
Again and again and again, I’ve seen this. Men promise women the world. This is one of those few things that I have not seen the other way just as much yet (although this has happened to me multiple times personally).
“I’ll take you to parties, we will make a great couple.” Words. The guy tries to convince you to like him by telling you these things without backing them up, you know he was trying to prove something to himself more than actually wanting to be with you.
The solution: Does he follow through? Is it all talk or are there actions behind it? If there are no actions behind it, sometimes it’s not a bad thing, he might have forgotten. If that’s the case, you might need to remind him. If you do and he still doesn’t give a shit, you know you got played by some mind games.
8. Does the relationship stay the same even after you guys “get together.”
This one is a big one, because if the relationship dynamic changes (for the worse) once you guys get together, it either means one of two things:
It either means that he doesn’t know how to be in a relationship, and that’s not bad. This is where you get to show him how to be in a relationship with you.
It means that it was all pursuit! That the pursuit of you was worth more than being with you. I only share this because I want you to be able to tell the difference. The difference will be if you tell your partner what you want in the relationship and they make active steps towards it. You’ll be able to tell this isn’t the case when you request things (that are reasonable) and they push you away because of it.
9. Casual dates are just as good as being in the right relationship.
If you’re single, guess how you meet people? GO ON DATES! If you judge yourself for going on dates and making mistakes, you’ll never get anywhere. Your ideal relationship isn’t going to come along to save you, and if you have that mentality you’ll only ever meet somebody who’s sort of going to save you (warning: narcissists fall into this category).
Allow yourself to date! There can be some judgements, especially if you go on a lot, but how else will you learn what you want?
10. You decide what your love story looks like.
This is the last one of the list. I know you’ve enjoyed reading this article, but it’s so important to recognise this one important fact. Your “love story,” which is how your story goes, is entirely up to you. If you’ve had a string of bad relationships, that is your love story. You’re the one who’s writing it. You write it with your thoughts, your words and your deeds. You write it by allowing people in your life who treat you badly, and you write it by having people in your life who help you be happy.
You’re the writer of your story! Knowing this can be one of the most empowering ideas when you get used to it. When we start to take more and more responsibility for things and blame people less, we end up learning the most about communication and how people work at a deep and sustainable level.
That is one of the gifts I want to give you the most. That sense of empowerment. That sense of knowing that you know how to influence it and know how love works. That sense of knowing that you have a real sense of agency in what is going on.
Thank you so much for reading! Keep an eye out for my new audio program launching in the next 2 weeks… “how love works.”