So you’re getting ready for a date! You’re excited! The person seems nice and while you’re getting ready for it you can’t help but imagine what might go on during it!
First dates can be fun, they can also be a reminder of what kind of people you do or don’t want to meet as well. In this article, I’m going to be revealing three ways to identify VERY QUICKLY if you’re a good match or not. Some people might like this and some people might enjoy the pleasure of figuring it out. Regardless of who you are, knowing these three things can really help you in other parts of your life as well. From friendships to finances. The general rule here is “if it feels good, you might be in the right place.”
WAY 1: ARE YOU IN A STATE OF FLOW
You know you’re a good match when, on the first date, you almost forget who you are. If you’ve ever been in a state of flow where you’re not really thinking, you’re just acting and communicating, then you’ll know exactly what this is. Flow states are always a sign in parts of life that you’re in the right place and on a date, this is the same.
You’re communicating, expressing and connecting in ways that just seem so easy and effortless. You often are expressing things in a way might even surprise you! You might share stories and ideas in new and unique ways. A flow state is one of those states that you’ll only be aware afterwards. While you’re in it, you won’t be aware of it. When you’re NOT in it, you’ll be painfully aware of it.
The opposite of a flow state is resistance. You know you’re on a bad date when you’re experiencing just that. This is when you feel a bit off, of you’re conscious of yourself or often SELF-conscious. This might mean that you’re on a date with somebody that just isn’t a good match or you’re just not ready for it. Either way, it’s a sign to possibly politely end the date earlier.
WHY WE WANT A FLOW STATE
Relationships SHOULD be easy and dating definitely is. When you’re in a place of fluid connection, you’re in the easiest place there is. This allows you to form more connections than you would if were pushing the date up a hill.
WAY 2: DO YOU BOTH WANT THE SAME THINGS
Now, this one is a bit trickier to tell, but you’ll be able to figure this out VERY QUICKLY through paying attention to values. If you allow your mind to notice people’s values you’ll quickly figure out who they are and what they like out of life. Do they talk about work? They might value work! Do they talk about fitness? They might value fitness. Do they talk about all the dates they go on? WELL… they might value just that.
Being on the same page about major values in life allows you to connect with that person at a deeper level. If you’re worried about them wanting completely different things, for example, you want a long-term connection while they want a one night stand, you’ll be able to tell this with this as well. You’ll be able to tell through their actions as well as their words. Do they want to meet your friends for example? Yes? Maybe they are nesting with you. No? Maybe they want to keep it low key for now.
No way is the right or wrong way, it all comes down to what you want.
REVERSAL: WANTING DIFFERENT THINGS
You know the old cliche, “Opposites attract?” Well, what they didn’t say in that was that usually when opposites attract they still have some values in common. There needs to be some actual bridge for two people to connect otherwise it’s very unlikely that you two would have noticed each other in the first place. Even if it is purely physical, that still is wanting one thing the same.
Every now and then I meet somebody who tries to drastically alter their partner.
“If only they did more of THIS, then I would be happy!”
Frankly, that is a mindset set for failure. You’re not even looking at the person in front of you, and if you’re not with them mentally, you’re not really with THEM at all are you?
WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT
People, I find, deep down, have decided what they want already. The rest of it is the fun of figuring it out. Does it make sense for somebody who wants a monogamous relationship to date somebody who doesn’t? You’re inviting pain into your life if you go down that path. Alternatively, if you’re somebody who values fitness and the other person doesn’t, do you think that will last long term?
Well, it can. It all comes down to it how much you value something in your life. One person might value family above all else and the other person might value family, where they visit their parents once a month. There can be some genuine disconnections if you two value different things to a varying degree.
Remember this though: when you’re in the right place you won’t question it.
WAY 3: CAN YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A CONVERSATION!?
This is a simple one and does tie into the other three ways. Can you actually have a conversation? What I’ve come to notice is that people of varying social styles, from introverted to extroverted, will STILL be able to hold a conversation with somebody they like. The lost art of the conversation is how you tell if somebody is there for you, or are they there for the date. Now, obviously with the stuff that we’ve stated earlier, that if you’re in the right place you won’t question it, but by on the off chance that you do question it, pay attention to the conversation.
Does it flow, does it feel nice or does it bring out a side of both of you that you like?
This is so important because you’re essentially setting up the theme of the start of the relationship with the first few dates. You get to know each other a little bit, and then start to do other things together. You’re also allowing the two dynamics to play.
REVERSAL: TERRIBLE CONVERSATION
Now, terrible is a relative term. What might be terrible for you will be different to another person, so that’s down to you, but generally I’d consider there to be two forms of terrible conversation? The first is one where you’re doing all the work. If this is the case, try NOT putting in all the work for once. See how the other person takes it or if they pick up the ball where you dropped it. If so, then you’re in a good place.
The other kind of terrible conversation that I’d classify for this article is one where you just fundamentally disagree with the other person. For example, I am from a standpoint that all humans are fundamentally perfect, it’s just that we discover it. I also have a belief in me that some things that people consider to be gender-based (like shopping habits for one, which is an example that I had once) are gender-based and actually down to the person and the mood that person is when they decide to go shopping. It is to this extent that if somebody doesn’t agree with your core beliefs, it’s ok to politely excuse yourself.
You don’t have to force yourself to like somebody or connect with somebody. It’s good to give a person a chance but you’ll usually be able to tell VERY QUICKLY from your own instincts and higher mind if you should be there or not. Usually, if you allow yourself to trust yourself more and take control of the situations that you’re in.
I WANT YOU TO HAVE STANDARDS.
You’ll have noticed in these three points, I’ve often talked about politely excusing yourself from the date. The reason that I say this is because, well, I want you to be picky. If I made you a dirt sandwich, would you eat it? No! You’ve got standards that maybe you’ll eat real food. Maybe I could convince you that it’s good, but once you’ve tasted it and realised it’s actual soil in bread, you’d politely tell me,
“I’m sorry Sharam, I cannot eat your dirt sandwich.”
Now, people aren’t sandwiches made from dirt, but connections and dates that are an emotional equivalency that does not nourish both your soul and their soul could be equated to it. It’s to this extent that it’s actually ok to end a date early. If you were vegan and somebody tried to offer you a steak, you wouldn’t eat it. This is the mindset that we have here. Do they want what you are offering and do you want what they are offering? If not, don’t force it! A relationship based on force will drop the moment that you stop forcing it to work.
Eventually, once or if you’ve been on a lot of dates, you’ll recognise that it’s more important to pick the right person than just to pick a date and see how it goes. This isn’t arrogant, this is more on the side of confidence. You know your worth, you know what you want and you’re ok saving each other both the time.
If you don’t feel it, you just don’t feel it and that’s ok!
Thank you for reading!