This is a common thing that comes up, not only in my clients, but my own life. Heck, if you’re a life coach and you don’t know this, a lot of stuff is about to make a whole lot of sense. Anger is just unprocessed inner power.
Anger is often seen as a negative emotion.
Anger destroys. Anger breaks up relationships. Anger causes war. Anger hurts others.
Anger is often seen as a negative emotion, and as a result, it is suppressed and we move away from it. Think of a happy family, enjoying each other’s company. In that image do you see angry at each other or do you see a happy family laughing and enjoying each other’s company?
With anger there seems to be a sort of societal trauma around it. There is an discomfort with anger so as a result you might hear the phrase,
“Don’t be angry” or
“There is no reason to be angry.”
Here’s the thing though, you… YES YOU… reading this… have a reason to get angry. If it is within you, you have a reason. You do not need to justify it or explain it. More on this later.
What happens when we stop ourselves from getting angry.
Think of a bucket for a moment. A very sexy… but also quite ordinary bucket.
Now, add a drop of water into it. The single drop of water itself doesn’t quite do anything, but add a million drops of water to it and it has the power to overflow, break the bucket, spill onto everything and get everything else wet.
This is what people do as a society, and frankly it fucking sucks.
We ignore every single drop of anger in our bucket until it overflows. This is the anger people are used to, this is why people say “Don’t get angry,” not because they are afraid of the drop of water, but because they are afraid of the bucket overflowing. Like all suppressive statements, they are a self-fulfilling prophecy.
By “not being angry,” we ignore the drops of water until it fills out bucket of anger and then it overflows.
“YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!” The usually loving partner now screams.
If you’ve ever had an argument about NOTHING! Where the contents of the argument completely did not justify the response, then that is a result of a lot of suppressed anger.
Why we get angry
First I’ll tell you a story.
One day I was crossing the street, yes legally, at a pedestrian crossing. The little green blinky person was blinking and that was signalling that it was my right of way to cross. The laws in Australia state that if the green blinky person is blinking then it is my right of way to walk and that cars must respect my personal space, wait till I’ve crossed, then they can go and turn or drive or what ever their little-driver-hearts want.
I’ll tell you what really happened that faithful day. Oh boy are you ready for this?
I crossed the road and a small truck turned into the pedestrian crossing almost hitting me.
Sharam, why are you telling me this? Well, this is a story about anger right? Well I observed a few things in that single moment.
First of all, I was angry.
“The bloody driver almost hit me! The bastard! Doesn’t he know it is my right of way?“
I got angry because he crossed my boundaries.
Second of all, the driver was angry.
“This guy walked into my right of way, I am in a rush, doesn’t see he that I am walking here!”
Both of us were following our own path and both of us were angry because we crossed a boundary of living that we had.
We get angry when somebody crosses our boundaries. Our edges of existence. Our standards of living.
Saying that we shouldn’t feel or experience our own anger is often an attempt to disguise it, to hide from our own power.
So what happens when we ignore our boundaries being crossed?
Well, first of all, we let our boundaries get crossed. We get disrespected and we communicate to ourselves that is how we should get disrespected every time. Every time that happens we drop another water in our bucket.
Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip…… EXPLODE.
This is then where big arguments come in, that are often not even related to the person at the time.
“YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!”
“You never let me have my way”
“I never get to do what I want”
“You never do X”
“You never do Y”
These are all statements a person might yell in anger but also, if you notice deeply, are statements that spell out something.
“You crossed my boundary”
Often, when a person has large amounts of suppressed anger, it comes out in a heavy way or we alter our life so we don’t have to experience said anger.
Now, what happens when we feel and subsequently heal the anger?
Healed anger becomes power.
Healed anger becomes power.
Unhealed anger is power in disguise.
As simple as that.
When we learn to emotionally surrender and feel our anger we can start to heal it. Healed anger, surrendered anger, when it has had a chance to run its course, turns into power. Rather than getting caught in a bucket of suppression, we let it run through our system.
Maybe this time we don’t say something, maybe next time we do.
Maybe this time we do say something.
Maybe we stand up for ourselves more.
Maybe we express ourselves more.
Maybe we stop hanging out with that person.
Usually, when anger is healed, I have watched in my clients through my private coaching that they really start to just automatically reorientate their lives.
They become powerful in their expression. Problems get solved AS THEY OCCUR, not years later at somebody who never knew anything about their original issues.
As we resolve our issues, as they come up, we also resolve our life time of stored anger.
If you don’t know about emotional surrender or you want a catch up, I recommend taking my online course Introduction to surrender. It is a quick run through of some core information.
If you’ve already got access to it you can revisit it in the box above.
Thanks for reading.