Look, whenever I say “true” love, I often put say it tongue in cheek. Some people say “true” love because they add extra significance to it. They expect a whirlwind romance and expect their partner to be able to do things and unlock feelings and emotions that they could not do themselves. Also, they have a fantasy that they need another person to help them with. None of this is bad, but in this article, we are going to talk about why often holding onto this can be detrimental for the growth of that relationship and even stop it from happening together.
The best place to be in your love life.
Now, when I say “place” I mean emotional place. Sort of like a mindset. Many people have an emotional home, where at the end of the day they lay their head. Some people have an emotional home of love and joy, and their mental, emotional and physical spaces are all filled with love. Others have an emotional home of anxiety and confusion, so as a result their various spaces are filled with the very same anxiety.
Overall, through all my years of working with people one on one, I’ve always come to the same conclusion and seen it breed amazing results. The best space to be in your love life is one of peace. It doesn’t matter if it happens and it doesn’t matter if it does, but a deep part of you knows it will. I say peace (and peace in life and your relationships is VERY easy to attain) because when we are peace, not only can we see our partner for who they really are but we are at peace so we are free to love ourselves.
Why Peace is good for love.
Peace is good for love because I have often observed that when a person tries to make a person fit a certain role in their life (for example, the love of their life) they often hold onto it so tight that if they don’t end up suffocating the other person, they end up being blind to the signs that the other person is blatantly expressing. Signs that they are good for you and signs that they are bad for you.
You see, a clear mind, a mind that is at peace, can witness their partner for who they are. They can witness their partner and understand them in an instant, their fears, their desires, their hopes, and their dreams. Sometimes it’s not that obvious but a lot of the time it is. It is obvious because you have less mental clutter that allows you to read their actions. Actions are only an expression of inner dialogue and world. Their intent.
Sarah is really concerned that her partner doesn’t really like her, but she really wants him to be the one. As a result, she misses the sign that her partner does like her, but needs to feel it in a certain way. Because Sarah is so concerned, she misses the signs that her partner is exhibiting. Her partner is slowly moving away because he has become aware that him being in or out of the relationship is going to result in the happiness or sadness of Sarah, and that is too much pressure for him. He is not up to the job of loving her because she cannot love herself. They eventually break up.
In this example, Sarah was hell-bent on making sure the relationship worked, that she missed the signs that it wasn’t working. Just because you notice signs that a relationship doesn’t work doesn’t mean it is going to end, it just means you get to tune it up and improve it.
A Contrasting Example:
Laura is at peace in her relationships. She knows she is worthy of love and isn’t really concerned about it. She recently started dating a guy who wasn’t really sure if he wanted to date her or not. She could tell because his half in half out attitude was very obvious. She didn’t mind because she wasn’t sure either. After a few dates, the guy she was interested in became very keen when she started to express her love for animals. He too loved animals, and finally, they had a method of connecting. She could tell straight away he liked her but was not in a rush, she was ok if it worked and was ok if it didn’t work, but decided she wanted to see how the story plays out.
In this example, Laura was able to witness and receive the information the guy she was interested in very loud and clear because she had no mental clutter or resistances towards her love life. She had nothing to prove to herself, so nothing to lose. As a result, she would see what he was feeling and gained the ultimate power in her love life: choice.
You see, when you are able to witness your partner, you’re able to have the power of choice. Life will give you options and you can take them, modify them or leave them. In relationships, a big blockage of this ability to see choices comes from one’s thought process that they want to influence their partner. They think they have to do something, rather than that they are enough for their partner. As a result, the mind becomes pre-occupied with “doing” rather than “having or being” which ultimately results in “missing.” This is a huge thing that occurs in the dating advice industry which causes a lot more problems than good. There is a widespread misconception that the perfect line or idea will give them access to their loved life when really a shedding of ideas is the next step.
If you feel like you have to control things, it is akin to juggling more balls than you can juggle. Eventually, they are going to drop. This whole article is sort of like realizing that you don’t need to juggle the balls, that they are being juggled. Once you let go of needing to control your love life, you’ll realize just how much you do control: both everything and nothing simultaneously.
Thank you for reading Xx