Ok so in this article, I want to bring you to a point where you not only understand why men might text you and then disappear on you and do it over and over again, but for you to know how to stop it. Understanding why is great, but knowing how to communicate your worth is better right?
So let’s talk about the situation:
You’re interested in a guy, or he’s interested in you. You end up texting, maybe even going on dates, then he either fades away or starts to text you here and there but never make a move. This can be frustrating, infuriating and worst of all, confidence-crushing. If you’re in a situation like this where a guy starts a conversation with you (especially through text) then just falls off the face of the earth over and over again, this is why:
Well, there are two parts to this, both worth recognising. Why does he start the conversation and why does he fade away? Both are composite parts of the situation, and I am going to explain this clearly to my sense of words, so that you may understand it.
He started a conversation with you because he liked you.
He fell off the face of the earth because he didn’t know what to do with you.
It’s as simple as that.
He started the conversation because he wanted to talk to you. He decided to stop the conversation with you because he was nervous, over thinking it or didn’t know what to do next. He got caught up in his own head.
Isn’t that funny?
Some people get confused by this. Why? Because they look at the overall action a guy takes. They then ask questions like,
“Is he fucking with me?”
“Is he playing games?”
Then, those people get so confused and end up becoming conceited themselves, thinking,
“Well, if men play games, then I should play games also.”
That’s the same as shooting somebody first because you thought they were going to shoot you when they never had a gun. The understanding isn’t that hard if you SLOW YOURSELF DOWN to actually look at the situation for what it is, not as an attack against you (which is what most people do). The real question is, what do you do about it?
SO WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT? TELL ME THEN!
Well, hold your horses there, I want to ask YOU a question first! Well, two questions really:
WHY THE HELL YOU TOLERATING THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR IN YOUR LIFE?
Let’s be real. There’s a saying that I want you to write down, stick in your wallet and on your mirror as you get up in the morning. It’s simple this:
YOU GET WHAT YOU TOLERATE!
If you tolerate this kind of behaviour in your life without an explanation, then you invite more of it. PERIOD. Don’t blame men. Don’t blame humanity. This is not a situation about how fucked up the other half of humanity is (because women do this to men just as much as men do this to women), but an example of how you go about handling the situation. If you keep allowing these guys to come in and out of your life you not only teach them that it’s ok to do so but worse of, you TEACH YOURSELF THAT IT IS OK TO DO SO!
That’s pretty fucked up right?
So here’s what you do:
You call people out on their bullshit.
“Hey________, we’ve sort of been doing this dance for a while now, you text me, you disappear, you come back, I want to know, what’s going on with all of that?”
Ask him that in an innocent way, curiously. Don’t aggressively force it on the guy like you need to defend yourself, but ask it in a way that is curious and caring. You’re dealing with somebody who’s a bit afraid of you or the situation at hand and it should be dealt with as such. If you do it aggressively, you’ll kill the relationship. From a sentence like this, you’ll get one of two answers.
1. A REAL ANSWER:
He will be able to tell you the truth. WHY? Because you made it safe for him and you demonstrated depth in caring. This is why I often say to people that your relationship can only go as deep you are willing to go. If you haven’t gone this far before, it might be hard for you to ask a question like that, but if you have and you’re comfortable with it, you’ll end up helping him understand and getting your answer and the possibility of something new and amazing.
2. HE PLAYS MORE GAMES WITH YOU:
If he blocks the answer, attacks you or simply doesn’t want to respond, it means he’s choosing his own emotional safety than to open up and to create something amazing. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad human being or that he should be sent back to emotional camp or be blasted off the face of the planet. This does mean that he’s just not ready to open up. That’s ok, now you have your answer. There are ways to allow people to open up, but that goes beyond the scope of this article for you. Instead bring yourself back to who and what you are, and more importantly, what you want in relationships. If you want somebody who’s open and caring, then somebody who can’t even express that sort of stuff is out the window.
And, more importantly, if you want somebody to open up with you about that sort of stuff, you have to be willing to be open about it as well. There comes a sense of entitlement that can be a massive turn off if you just think it’s the “man’s job” to do that sort of thing. Sure you may prefer it, but we live in an equal world right? #HUMANSFIRST
WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING YOURSELF TO GET CAUGHT UP IN IT?
This is the other thing. Why are you making it mean more than it is? If a child couldn’t decide if they wanted ice cream or not, you’d say,
“Well, do you want it or not?” You wouldn’t make it mean something about who and what you are.
My recent work with identity and forging stronger identities has been tremendously powerful and transformative. The reason why I bring this up is that we make it mean something about ourselves when we are trying to forge that part of our identity (the love aspect of us) and then somebody is toying with us and stopping that personal growth.
You wouldn’t give a shit if you knew who you were and what you were. You wouldn’t give a shit if you had decided that this kind of behaviour was not going to be part of your love story?
So why the fuck do you make this mean more than it is?
When I ask this to people, often people answer with a resounding,
“well, ok, it’s time for me to move on,” and others answer,
“But he did that, he did this, and I want to understand why!”
This is fascinating because at the end of the day your need to understand why blocks you from seeing the truth. If you read the entire article and still do not get why it’s because a part of you is officially overthinking it when it is a feeling situation. We feel other humans, it’s a SENSUAL THING! Through our eyes, our mind, our heart, touch, sound and smell. This is how we engage with the world and by relying on your senses do you engage more with THE OTHER HUMAN IN FRONT OF YOU! If you’re still attempting to figure out why my biggest recommendation is for you to slow down.
Deal with its composite parts. Ask yourself, “why am I?”
Ask it over and over again until you come up with a stronger sense of identity about who and what you are, a part of you that is strong enough to not give a shit about somebody playing games. Until you are strong enough to realise that it doesn’t mean shit about you.
Until you reach that point, then it is you who is on a quest to reach that point.
Thank you for reading.
Sharam Namdarian Xx