I’ve recently been experiencing a lot of guilt.
If you’ve followed my journey you’ll know I talk a lot about letting go. I do see it as a cure for a lot of life’s problems. Weirdly manifested behaviours stem from unresolved emotions. If you follow me on Instagram then you’ll know that I’ve been working on using this process to facilitate mastery over my weight.
But recently I’ve been feeling guilty.
I’ve been feeling guilty because I have a number of amazing people in my life that do amazing things for me. The guilt, in this case, works itself out as some unresolved feelings.
Imagine for a second, if you will, that you know somebody amazing. This might be hard or easy, and maybe in many cases, you’ll imagine me. Now, for this second, I want you to imagine this amazing person doing something amazing for you. It might be something small like doing your dishes for you or something larger like helping you finance a new car. Whatever it is, now imagine you feel guilty for having them do that for you.
If you can imagine this, you’ll know what it has been like to be me for most of my life. I’ve been filled with weird and interesting feelings of guilt, I haven’t even been aware of it. I’ve had amazing people do amazing things for me, from family, friends, partners and all the other incredible people I’ve known. All the while, I’ve felt guilty without even realising it. This subtle guilt (and I do mean subtle because I was not even aware of it until this morning) then caused me to overcompensate.
I always tried to be “the good one” in situations. If somebody wanted to give to me, I had to make sure that I gave to them in advance because then I wouldn’t feel guilty. It’s funny though because its usually never enough. It starts out with a little bit of giving in advance, then it becomes an overcompensatory behaviour that results in you trapping a person in your gifts in order to make them feel better. I’ve done this, and I have had this done to me.
So, I was doing the dishes this morning that my amazing partner had done. She also had put my laundry out. For the first time in my life, I noticed that I felt guilty. I had never seen it before. I had felt it, but in my letting go journey, I had finally witnessed it.
It was in that moment, I had decided to let it go, and do you know what was underneath?
The feeling of “Luck.”
I’m god damn lucky. Lucky that I have an amazing person in my life who would do this for me, but also, amazing that I have many people in my life. All of them attempting to give me gifts, and all the while, I was attempting to swing the ball the other way in order to feel ok about myself, because I couldn’t handle the subtle feeling of guilt that was happening.
Ironically, the feeling of luck inspired me to want to give back even more. This time, from a place of love rather than fear.
So, I invite you now, if even for a moment. To notice if you’re feeling guilty in a situation, to invite yourself to let it go and to discover the pure feelings of appreciation resides underneath.
Thanks for reading.